My 2 cents...

I am a seeker. By this, I don't mean I'm wondering if there's a god, I know there is. I don't mean I don't believe in Jesus, the bible, or any of the basic doctrines of the Christian faith. No, I believe in all those things--what I am seeking is how to apply them. All my life I've been in a Christian home (basically, my parents were saved when I was 4,) raised Christian, taught the bible, all that good stuff. The best part of it is I've even gotten to see it from many different denominations perspective--my parents liked to church hop alot. The thing is, I've seen hypocrisy. More than I've ever wanted to. And I've been a hypocrite too, for most of my life, I've faked Christianity (although I've come to dislike the term now) more to fit in than anything else.
I can recall 3 times of revival in my life-three times when I stopped faking it. Once when I was 13, my fam was going to Grace at the time (the local Anabaptist (think Mennonite but more strict) church.) There was a traveling evangelist from South Africa, Keith Daniels was his name. He came and spoke for an entire week--and he was real. He wasn't faking it. He believed in this God and Jesus stuff for real! And when he told us about it, there were no lies, just truth. I wanted that. I wanted what the bible taught, I wanted to please God, I wanted to be real. So I threw my life to God--I gave up everything sinful I was doing at the time, I spent most of my free time seeking God and his truth, I tried to live like a Christian. But over time, the fire faded, I became jaded by all the hypocrisy around me, I sunk back into my old ways.
When I was 15-16ish, my family went to Living Word, the church that I still kinda consider my home church. It wasn't nearly as flashy or dramatic as my last revival, it was more a over time kinda thing. While some of the doctrine and teaching was a little flaky (in my often wrong opinion,) there were people there who honestly loved Jesus. This is always what makes me the most excited about this Jesus stuff--seeing people who honestly, truly love Jesus and try to live according to what he asked. The best human beings I have ever met have all been Christians--there is a power in what Jesus said, a truth to his words beyond anything that we mortals can come up with. But time, and not being around people who are crazy about Jesus, and just apathy on my part, all these have the sad effect of bringing me down.
Going down is exactly what I did next. I went to a "Christian" high school that only brought me down more (that's for a later post,) my parents jumped between several different churches and I stopped going except when they made me, and I left for college. I had a choice between RIT (the #3 tech school in the nation,) or Eastern (a above average Christian liberal arts school.) I choose Eastern, for many different reasons. My problems with myself didn't help me any--I became a social recluse, with serious self-esteem problems, depression, and just a overall shutting down of myself. I still deal with this, its one of my biggest problems.
But Cassie really came into my life. Though I had liked her virtually all throughout high school, and been friends with her for quite sometime, we became close. We started talking alot. Now, alot of what I thought about the world and how things were was shaped by three things. One, my experiences of the world up to that point. I don't mean the good stuff either, I mean the bad. Two was philosophy, especially Nietzsche. Alot of what he said made sense--the weak existing to justify the strong, no apparent meaning for most of the world, just nihilism in general. Three was Erica Neal, a friend of mine. We had long talks about philosophy and god and the meaning of life, and all sorts of stuff that I absolutely love to talk about. I like playing the Devil's Advocate, taking every side on an argument. I don't do it to win an argument, I do it because I don't even know usually where I stand, and arguing the point that my gut is against helps me to find out what I think the truth or my opinion is on a subject.
Anyways, the third revival came quietly, slowly. It began while talking with her--she was a bit shaky in her faith, but she still believed in Jesus. She loved him! And all the talking we did--we talked about everything. And I started to believe again--it was another slow, gradual process. I started to actually care about this Jesus stuff again. Sure, I was at a Christian school, but I was hardened, cynical about everything. This is another thing that I still struggle with. But I went to church with her once, and in the service (which wasn't particularly good, and I didn't really like the church either,) I just decided that I really did still believe in this Jesus. Since then, it's been a long road figuring everything out.
This is why I say I'm a seeker. I don't know with many doctrinal issues. I don't know about many different problems I see with Christians today. I don't even know about many of the ways the bible relates to me today. I don't have any of the answers, except for one. Jesus is God's son, and he loves you and me. He loves us so much that he cut himself off from his godhood and became a man, and even died as a man just to save us from the cold unflinching law that condemns us! He is the only way to God, and we need him--or we have no hope. As for the rest? Well, I hope you'll all tag along as I keep searching. Let's go.